County Inmates Candidly Share How Addiction Destroys Lives

by C.L. Harmon, American Reporter

They were not the monsters in the attic who lurked among the innocent—the, thieves, addicts and drug dealers that I had expected to see. Instead they were creatures reduced to broken men; shadows of what they had been and regrets of what they could have been.

The top floor of the Pawnee County Court House is society's attic where its authorities hide those, many consider to be monsters. But those prisoners' eyes were not monstrous, their words not ravenous and their remorse not without emotion. They were human and somber and far removed were the demons that brought them to this attic. And yet forever close to them were the ghosts those demons left behind which
haunted them with the choices each made.

"It's an epidemic," "I never thought I would get addicted,"' "They're not going to catch me—I'm invincible" and so it seems the words of experience are priceless to those unaware and foolish to those who know. But still they are unheard by the oblivious and echoed to the enlightened. To know this is as easy as looking at a weekly headline or logging onto the sheriff's website.

Drugs and alcohol have become as one addict said, "an epidemic" in Pawnee County. Arrests for possession to meth lab raids and manslaughter have all become almost common place in news headlines, leaving many people asking, "why and how."

The words of warning from the very same people who make those headlines may lead to those answers. In fact their words may just be a warning to all who believe as they once did. Although they remain anonymous in this article, they are anything but that to those whose lives have been changed or lost because of these men's addictions and the actions committed to feed those habits.

Affidavits slither through the fax machine with words of tragedy and deceit: letters of no real identity that tell an account which becomes a news story. The story is read and then discarded as the next edition of news comes out with more of the same.

It is the never-ending supply of these stories that compel the question of why and the experiences of several people who know all too well what its like to lose everything, that led them to the attic and the answer of how.

"I lost everything," was the statement that each person made as we sat in the barred environment. One-by-one, the stories flowed about the demons of methamphetamine, alcohol, and other drugs that ruined lives or as one inmate put it, "reached in and got my soul and wouldn't let go."

One man, busted for manufacturing meth, spoke of losing the American dream but not because he got busted. He had already lost it and when his addicted wife turned state's evidence There are no words that can express the remorse I feel for the lives I've destroyed. Against him, he knew it was gone.

This man, an educated man, happily married to his "soul mate" with their children living in an upper middle class existence, making money, moving forward until an encounter with meth took it all away in one year's time.

His face full of regret as he spoke of walking out of his job only four months after his first high and the events that led to his arrest and his " eight ball a day habit." This term refers to 3.5 grams of the drug or one-eighth of one ounce." Once you start, it's almost impossible to stop," the man said. He spoke of manufacturing meth as a means of support for both money and his habit. And as he slowly lost his sanity, that drug became his only reason for existence.

By his own admission, he was dangerous at the end, never going anywhere without a firearm as his paranoia had made everyone an enemy. Even firing at illusions in his back yard with multiple weapons seemed reasonable while under the influence. It would take 100 days without the drug before he would begin to return to a normal state of mind.

Once he did, the realization that prison was all he had left at that moment would taunt him, prompting the question, "How did I go from a $150,000 a year lifestyle to having nothing and in prison in one year?" The answer, he emphatically stated, "meth."

 The stories were all similar in the aspect that the men had begun at fairly young ages with alcohol and marijuana experimentation which, "did not seem' like a big deal" at the time. 

It was a blindness that would cripple their futures, an arrogance that would prove detrimental. The belief that these addicts could control their addictions would lead them ever far down the dark side of life.

"There are no words that can express the remorse I feel for the lives I've destroyed," another addict said. A shadow of his former self, the man sat almost stunned at what he had been reduced to

A one time successful business man with family and wealth now a broken man with a shaky voice and very little hope for his future. Alcohol, he said, had been his downfall. A former cocaine addict, he believed he was safe with alcohol.

"I had everything in life and lost it. I'm the .only one to blame. I have done all of this and I did it with a legal drug, he said.

"I'm ashamed of my self. Being arrested was a blessing in disguise for me said another man who is preparing to begin his sentence in a state prison for burglary he committed to supply his habit

"I stole from my family. I even stole from a cripple. These are things I would have never done had I not been using drugs. It was a frightened voice that spoke these words. A man whose future was uncertain but at least hopeful at the prospect that the prescription drugs he called, "the devil" were gone from his life.

The addicts' stories, though some different in their choice of drugs and circumstances, are all connected in their regrets. All had hurt family members, bred misery, and been the monsters that so many fear.

It would be another interview away from the bars and somber looks that would drive home the reality of hope for those men and so many others who are slaves to their addictions.

He too will remain anonymous but his name is not really important—it's his choices that seem of the most importance. A man scarred by drugs. A permanent reminder of his choice to use and make meth

But it is not that scar which holds my attention once he begins to speak.

"I was done being an idiot. I lost my marriage, kids, self esteem, everything. I had the realization after breaking into a local (Pawnee) store that I
once had everything and now I have nothing," he said.

He would eventually spend 22 months in jail and prison of a 12 year sentence where he would reflect on the, "20 years of good life that he lost abusing drugs.

There was genuine sincerity as he spoke of loss, the kind of loss that comes from those who bring it upon themselves. It was a naked truth of sorts that was vulnerable and yet not without pride for having beat the devil.

"I missed life's opportunities," he said as he spoke about his sense of adventure and how he had let the meth and prescription drugs rob him of his dream of a military career.

But there was no excuses in that regret. He knew his choices had brought him to the brink of destruction just as he knew his choice to walk away from the drugs four years ago had brought him the life he has today with his family, work and church.

It is in many ways a story of success and yet of failure as well. The failure being a ghost that never lets an addict forget that he lost every moment of his own life while dancing with the devil.

Sheriff Roger Price made note that those men incarcerated for meth abuse had undergone colossal transformations in both physical appearance and mental state once incarcerated and not under the influence of the drugs.

Meth addiction not only has negative effects on the brain, causing delusions, paranoia, and literal holes in the user's brain, but it can also result in physical deterioration over periods of continued use. Many meth abusers have open sores and cuts on their face and skin, experience massive weight loss, decaying teeth and lack the desire to practice normal hygiene.
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"There are no words that can express the remorse I feel for the lives I've destroyed"